I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my shit smells like andre
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
