well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
