My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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