I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
