upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
