It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
