i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
