I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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