I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
