Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
