I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
