and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
