Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
