I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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