I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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