We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
