onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
