I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
