I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
