Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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