theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
