ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
