so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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