It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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