the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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