did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
