I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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