successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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