glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
