i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
