Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
