You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
