i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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