Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Floor bacon is actually really good
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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