i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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