She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
