She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
