Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize