he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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