I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
