Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
