so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
