I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
