God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
