I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
