I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
