I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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