apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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