My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
