i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I fill condoms, not promises.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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