You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
