The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
