I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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