Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
