it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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