You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
