can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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