First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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