Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
