i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
