the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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