So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
