At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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