I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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