Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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