I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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